I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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