toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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