I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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