I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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