Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize