new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
