I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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