Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
