Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
