dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
