i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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