I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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