A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
