Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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