onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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