i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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