The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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