His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
