i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
