Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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