My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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