This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
