before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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