My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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