Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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