he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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