I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
i now understand why vodka
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
