Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
