I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
