I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
