New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
