And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
