I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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