ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize