Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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