i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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