I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
