Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
