i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
