the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
