Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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