he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
