We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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