On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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