life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
