New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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