So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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