can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
