Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize
