Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
