Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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