Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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