dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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