He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
