Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
