i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
