id be glad to
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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