I have demons in me.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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