On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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