I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
