writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
